My Sweetie is Gone

Last Thursday while I was at the doctor the hospice nurse and aid were here gently giving Louie a bed-bath. They had just finished a few minutes before I walked in the front door. They told me he did just great and was resting comfortably. The nurse was talking to me about some of his medications and I suddenly put my hand to my heart and said I had chest pains. A second later the Visiting Angel came from Louie's room and told the nurse to come quickly. She came back out and told me Louie was not breathing. I ran to him and didn't want to believe it. When I saw his chest not moving and felt no air from his mouth, I sobbed and sobbed. I laid my head on his chest and rubbed his face - I didn't want to let go of him. I couldn't stop crying. My daughter, Stephanie, came to hold me and we cried together. She called Pastor Terry and Sandi who arrived quickly. They were both trying to comfort me. I kept saying "I wasn't with him"!! They told me I couldn't have been with him every second and that it could have happened any time. The nurses had thought he would be alive for another week, so they were shocked, too.

I sat on the side of the bed for a long time and wished I could have laid next to him. I knew this was coming and had been praying that God would take him swiftly so he wouldn't have to suffer any longer, but I couldn't bare to lose him.

Later when the funeral director came to get him, they said they would have him on a cot and would leave his face uncovered as they rolled him toward the front door, and that I could say my "final goodbye". When they brought him to me, I just laid my head on his chest and sobbed so hard that it was hard to breathe. I kissed his cheek three times to say "I love you". I then turned to Stephanie's arms and fell apart. Both Sandi and Pastor Terry also held me. This was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

The nurse kept reminding me about how I put my hand on my heart and said I had chest pain right at the time he passed away. I will never forget that.

Last Sunday, visitors who loved Louie, as he did them, stopped by to see him not realizing his condition had progressed SO rapidly. Each time he saw them, he just sobbed. He didn't want to leave all those he loved. It just broke our hearts.

The "Living Angels" (Kim and Virginia) were here 24 hours a day the last 3 days, and they were SO wonderful - a true blessing that I will never forget. As Louie got worse, we had to give him his medications by liquid a few drops at a time, and also with creams, as he could barely swallow. It just tore me apart to see him getting worse. I kept telling him it was okay to "let go" and be with God. He could barely speak, but when he did, his words were always, "I need to take care of you". And he would cry. His close friend, Jim, told me that the day he took Louie to Eugene for his last MRI, Louie kept saying that over and over - that he had to be here to take care of Connie. Those words will forever be etched in my mind.

I printed a picture of Jesus and then added the words, "Into Thy Hands I commit my spirit", and then printed angels at the bottom, and hung it on the wall right next to him. He said he could see it and that is was nice. I told him over and over that I would be taken care of by so many people and that he didn't need to worry about me. I told him to take Jesus' Hand and to save me a place in Heaven, and that we would ALWAYS be in one another's heart, and to send down good wishes to me from Heaven so I would feel him taking care of me.

Stephanie and Gabriella arrived here on Wednesday evening. When they walked into his room, Steph said they were there to take good care of me. He cried, but couldn't respond. I have a feeling that hearing what she said gave him the comfort he needed to finally "let go" the next day.

Friday was a tough day going to the funeral home to make arrangements. It just didn't seem real. The funeral will be next Friday, at 11:00, at Immanuel Lutheran Church in Albany, OR. It is going to be a very special Memorial Service. Tammy is going to give the Eulogy - I know it will be beautiful.

Having little Gabriella here adds so much sunshine to our home, but my heart is aching so much inside and I feel lost without my sweetheart. I know the road ahead will be hard, but I am surrounded by so many wonderful people who will help me through it. I just have to allow myself to grieve and eventually heal. I know God will give me strength.

Once I'm able, I plan to write a poem in memory of my loving husband to add to this blog.

I wish all of you a Blessed Christmas and Happy New Year filled with good health.

Love,

Connie