My Sweetie is Gone

Last Thursday while I was at the doctor the hospice nurse and aid were here gently giving Louie a bed-bath. They had just finished a few minutes before I walked in the front door. They told me he did just great and was resting comfortably. The nurse was talking to me about some of his medications and I suddenly put my hand to my heart and said I had chest pains. A second later the Visiting Angel came from Louie's room and told the nurse to come quickly. She came back out and told me Louie was not breathing. I ran to him and didn't want to believe it. When I saw his chest not moving and felt no air from his mouth, I sobbed and sobbed. I laid my head on his chest and rubbed his face - I didn't want to let go of him. I couldn't stop crying. My daughter, Stephanie, came to hold me and we cried together. She called Pastor Terry and Sandi who arrived quickly. They were both trying to comfort me. I kept saying "I wasn't with him"!! They told me I couldn't have been with him every second and that it could have happened any time. The nurses had thought he would be alive for another week, so they were shocked, too.

I sat on the side of the bed for a long time and wished I could have laid next to him. I knew this was coming and had been praying that God would take him swiftly so he wouldn't have to suffer any longer, but I couldn't bare to lose him.

Later when the funeral director came to get him, they said they would have him on a cot and would leave his face uncovered as they rolled him toward the front door, and that I could say my "final goodbye". When they brought him to me, I just laid my head on his chest and sobbed so hard that it was hard to breathe. I kissed his cheek three times to say "I love you". I then turned to Stephanie's arms and fell apart. Both Sandi and Pastor Terry also held me. This was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

The nurse kept reminding me about how I put my hand on my heart and said I had chest pain right at the time he passed away. I will never forget that.

Last Sunday, visitors who loved Louie, as he did them, stopped by to see him not realizing his condition had progressed SO rapidly. Each time he saw them, he just sobbed. He didn't want to leave all those he loved. It just broke our hearts.

The "Living Angels" (Kim and Virginia) were here 24 hours a day the last 3 days, and they were SO wonderful - a true blessing that I will never forget. As Louie got worse, we had to give him his medications by liquid a few drops at a time, and also with creams, as he could barely swallow. It just tore me apart to see him getting worse. I kept telling him it was okay to "let go" and be with God. He could barely speak, but when he did, his words were always, "I need to take care of you". And he would cry. His close friend, Jim, told me that the day he took Louie to Eugene for his last MRI, Louie kept saying that over and over - that he had to be here to take care of Connie. Those words will forever be etched in my mind.

I printed a picture of Jesus and then added the words, "Into Thy Hands I commit my spirit", and then printed angels at the bottom, and hung it on the wall right next to him. He said he could see it and that is was nice. I told him over and over that I would be taken care of by so many people and that he didn't need to worry about me. I told him to take Jesus' Hand and to save me a place in Heaven, and that we would ALWAYS be in one another's heart, and to send down good wishes to me from Heaven so I would feel him taking care of me.

Stephanie and Gabriella arrived here on Wednesday evening. When they walked into his room, Steph said they were there to take good care of me. He cried, but couldn't respond. I have a feeling that hearing what she said gave him the comfort he needed to finally "let go" the next day.

Friday was a tough day going to the funeral home to make arrangements. It just didn't seem real. The funeral will be next Friday, at 11:00, at Immanuel Lutheran Church in Albany, OR. It is going to be a very special Memorial Service. Tammy is going to give the Eulogy - I know it will be beautiful.

Having little Gabriella here adds so much sunshine to our home, but my heart is aching so much inside and I feel lost without my sweetheart. I know the road ahead will be hard, but I am surrounded by so many wonderful people who will help me through it. I just have to allow myself to grieve and eventually heal. I know God will give me strength.

Once I'm able, I plan to write a poem in memory of my loving husband to add to this blog.

I wish all of you a Blessed Christmas and Happy New Year filled with good health.

Love,

Connie

LOUIS JAMES WHEELER - 1943 - 2007

It is a somber day in many households, for today our beloved Louis James Wheeler traveled through the doors of heaven. Louie expired around 11:30am today, after a short yet painful and difficult battle with CJD.
We ask that you pray for strength for the family during these difficult times. The funeral will be held on Friday, December 28th, 2007 at 11:00am in Albany, OR. We will post more information as it comes available.
I LOVE YOU DAD AND I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!! :(

Frightening Morning

Very early this morning, we had a real scare. I have a baby monitor in my bedroom which is connected to the room where Louie's bed is. I heard him calling my name, so I ran to his room and he said he was thirsty, so I gave him some water. He said that felt better so I went back to bed. About 5 minutes later, he called my name several times in just a few seconds, so I RAN to his room and he said he couldn't breathe. I called out for Tammy to come right away. I then got the morphine and gave him some as it is supposed to help with breathing difficulties. Then I called the Hospice number right away - the nurse told me to give him a little more morphine and she would be coming right away. She was 11 miles away and it seemed like it took forever for her to get here. Tammy and I were so scared!!! We thought we were "losing him" right then. I kept feeling his diaphram to see how his breathing was - it would be real shallow, then a little stronger, and even stopped at times. I knew I had to hold myself together, but it sure was difficult. I kept telling him I loved him, and held his hand and rubbed his face. Finally the nurse got here and she checked everything and said that his lungs sounded good and so did his heart. She gave him some Klonopin which helps anxiety and reassured us that he had an anxiety attack which caused the trouble breathing. We told her how we couldn't give him his anti-depressant anymore as he has so much trouble swallowing, so she said they would put in an order for a liquid form of an anti-depressant that we will get tomorrow. There is no doubt how depressed and scared he is going through this horrible disease which shows new symptoms every day. It is SO hard for Tammy and me to see him going through all this - our hearts are just breaking. The nurse also put in an order for oxygen to have here in the house in case this happens again - she said that will help him a lot. Between the morphine and klonopin, he has been sleeping soundly. Tammy and I are both torn between not wanting him to "leave us" and wanting to "let him go" so he won't keep suffering. It is the hardest thing we both have ever been through!!!!!

He had such a tough day yesterday as he was crying over and over SO hard that it broke our hearts. He is thinking so much about his whole life (which is what happens when a person is dying) - we could actually see the pain coming from his heart and soul. I told him that he would always be in my heart forever, and that I would always be in his heart forever. He nodded his head. It is so hard for him to talk.

Three different couples from church came to see him this afternoon. He loves all of them and, as they talked together, he just sobbed. He doesn't want to leave everyone who loves him so much!! They were all crying, too.

I am so afraid of the days to come knowing I will witness the many new symptoms as they progress through this horrific disease. I don't know if I can bear to see him go through all this. I have people lined up to stay with me both Monday and Tuesday nights - they are called "Living Angels" who you hire to help in any way you want. They will be awake all night and alert me if anything happens where I will need to help him with either morphine or oxygen, etc. They will also be here for 4 hours on Tuesday and 3 hours on Wednesday. My daughter, Stephanie and granddaughter, Gabriella will get here late Wednesday afternoon. That will be a huge support for me during the toughest days ahead.

Having Tammy here has been a gigantic blessing to me, and I can never show her enough how special and precious she is to me. We have bonded together and been a strength to one another. She has also done SOO much for me to help me out with things I will have to deal with after Louie is gone. She just amazes me with the things she has done and even thinks of that I can't even deal with right now. I will be forever grateful to her and am honored to be her step-mother.

I pray that God will take Louie soon so he won't have to keep suffering, and yet I can't bear to think of losing him. Everything I look at reminds me of him. I am naturally afraid of being without him, and know that the grieving process won't be easy. With the help of my church family, wonderful friends and family members, I know that I will somehow get through it. I ask God for strength, courage and comfort every day.

We appreciate all your many thoughts and prayers more than we can say.

Love,

Connie

Update - Saturday

This is Tammy. I arrived here on Thursday to spend time with dad and Connie. It has been so tough to see dad in the state he is in. He is completely bed ridden, has extreme difficulty speaking and swallowing, is beginning to "zone out" frequently, and sleeps constantly (from the disease and all the medicines). Dad does understand what is happening to him, as he says, "I am getting holes in my brain". He often says witty remarks or beams a bright smile to know that he is still with us. Every day gets harder and harder, as we know that we are getting closer and closer to "the day". Today we met with the funeral director to begin discussions on that process. We have to start now because since this is CJD, he has to be creamated in a controlled environment. The funeral director was so sweet, and will assist in helping to find out creamation requirements for CJD (e.g. what can be creamated, what cannot be, such as bones). In addition, we are working with the CJD Surveillance (Prion Disease) Center in Cleveland, for they will help to coordinate the autopsy, find a controlled environment, confirm his brain disease, and take samples for research, and covers all of these costs (excluding funeral arrangements). Dad/Connie have agreed that dad will allow his brain to be used for research, for they understand that will benefit current and future Wheeler generations.

I am glad that I am here not only for my dad, but also to help Connie. She is finally getting good rest and is surrounded by people who love her and dad. It really amazes me to see how moving to Oregon, finding a great Lutheran Church, and all of the love and support of Connie have helped dad to finally connect with God and our Lord Savior Jesus Christ. This will really help dad to be at peace in his final days.

We just ask everyone to continue to pray for dad, to relieve him of his pain and suffering, and to give Connie and all of dad's kids including me, Michelle, John, and Dawn, the strength to get through these tough times and the tougher times ahead.